"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van
broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to
help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.
The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
This is no longer true. Evidence from a recent study suggests that injuries are most likely to occur at social gatherings, right after somebody yells, "Hey, Y'all! Watch this!"
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- Meow occasionally.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your cell phone?"
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Announce in a deep, low voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.