Wednesday, March 21, 2012

fun stories

So, everyone that knows me very well, knows that I love to tell funny stories. I like to make people laugh, and try to at every opportunity. (Yah, I get a lot of blank looks when I try out new jokes on people. For some reason, they don't get the ones I find especially funny. :) So, because it's been pretty boring lately, I've got a bunch of "funny" stories, please laugh!!!!!!!

    Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
    "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
    So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
    "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countash pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

For many years, it was believed that most injuries occur in the home.

This is no longer true. Evidence from a recent study suggests that injuries are most likely to occur at social gatherings, right after somebody yells, "Hey, Y'all! Watch this!"

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
    Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

Things to do while in a elevator!!!!!

- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Quiet, all of YOU! Just stop it!"

- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

- Meow occasionally.

- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

- Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your cell phone?"

- Say "Ding!" at each floor.

- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

- Announce in a deep, low voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.


  1. Well hey, I cracked up! You got some good ones here! :D :D lol

    1. Glad you liked them!!! I try new jokes and stories out on my older brothers, to make sure they REALLY are funny before I tell people! :)

  2. Those were fumy!!! I was trying not to wake everyone up because I was laughing! (everyone is in bed right now)I especially like the playpin one and the injury one.


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